starstruck

Saturday, April 26, 2003

if i were not trying so hard to be good i would have slapped her just now. and i mean this. i would have said something really bad, either sarcastic or really rude. it doesn't matter. i put in so much, and i not just get nothing in return, i get worse. i get scoldings, dagger-looks and totally an unappreciative attitude. i don't mind if she doesn't praise my play. but shoot don't fire at me for nothing! it's not as if i don't try..it's not as if i'm a problem kid..it's not as if i played terribly. she doesn't know anything, she says everything wrong, yet she acts like she's the smartest and best coach on the entire planet. i don't know why i stand it. fine, if i did something wrong, i accept her explanation of what i should have done. isn't there such a thing as i really didn't know what she wanted me to do? but no, it's because i'm tired, i'm lazy and i'm scared to play against hezhen. i'm hesitant, i'm mentally weak, i'm heavy on my feet, i'm flustered. in her language, what utter rubbish. isabelle and wanling's faces are stoned, so they're calm. my face is red, so i'm flustered. if only she knew what goes on in our heads like she thinks she does. i always tell myself to just put up with her, just for a little more time, but when something like this happens i'm supposed to what, keep quiet and suffer in silence? just to satisfy her insatiable appetite for power and authority. if it were not for my teammates and the fact that i love the sport like i do, i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't be taking all her crap without a word of protest. really, why does she bother asking why i did something if she's not even going to accept or even listen to my explanation. what, people can't make mistakes? people don't misunderstand? people can't do anything wrong without her scolding? oh i forgot, they can. it's only me that can't. it's not that she doesn't scold the rest when they make mistakes, she does, when it's really obvious. she also praises me when she's trying to prove her encouraging and fair nature, or when something i do has helped the game in a way she cannot deny. it's just totally different when she scolds me. it's like she just hates my face and therefore i'm getting it. and it's all for the wrong things, but she won't listen to how it really went. she thinks the solution she provide is the model invincible method. and if she's going to scold, at least scold about something more relevant and something i really did wrong and tell me the right thing to do, for goodness' sakes. she contradicts herself and i can't point it out to her.
she saw me cry today, i know. i could take her scolding because i knew i was wrong, but i just couldn't stand it when she just concluded that i was tired and giving up. she saw my lip twitching and she saw me blink away the tears that formed, yet she deliberately carried on with the scolding, as if daring me to cry in front of her. and when i left to the toilet cos i couldn't control it anymore, she still called me back (but i ignored her) and peered out to check out the ego-gratifying scene of me crying. i'm glad she thinks it's entertaining. everyone could see that i was on the verge of tears, even miss ng, and they all tried to shut up. but she has absolutely zilch PR skills and maximum biasedness. if i didn't know better i'd think she wasn't human. why can't we have mr goh as a coach. or miss teo back. no coach is better than her. and i mean having no coach is better than having her. if she were the last person on earth i'd build my home halfway round the world from her. what am i supposed to do? when she has nothing to say she just turns on me. when she scolds someone else and says the wrong name she always screams "anna." maybe i'm just so nice to scold. maybe she hates me. maybe she likes the feel when my name rolls so beautifully of her tongue. maybe everything.
and i can't ignore her when she's such an integral part of my life, because netball is almost my life and she comes wih netball. i don't hate her, i just wish she'd not be so unfair and so proud. i did everything she told me to, then she says it's wrong, do something else. so i said "you said to do that" and she goes no, i said something else. how in the world do you argue with someone like this?! her talks with me always go nowhere. training and games don't mean anything any more because there is no point in my playing well, no point in my trying so hard. if she's not going to appreciate me, at least there's no need to scold for totally no reason. i was already ignoring her on court and that's bad for my standards. we're short of one ball and it's "why ah, anna?" we get called for held ball and it's "why, anna?" like it's my stupid fault! nobody went for the ball and it's "anna where's my drive!" it's simply not my ball what does she mean by where! mayb went freaking OFFSIDE but when i go just halfway it's "anna you're too far up!" and i'm trying to help out. if she'd said anything about the last two eighths i might have slapped her. sometimes i wonder why i bother to play. there is no way it is for her. not with the way she treats me like dirt. and her stupid strategies never work. never. there'll come a time when i just cannot take it any longer. i just hope i can control it when that happens.

posted by gruff at 8:50 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------